shadow

I walk in and out of the shadows. There one minute, and gone the next. Flitting backwards and forwards in endless loops of flashbacks. All the while, trying to find a way back home.

There are some memories I’ve buried so deep, I don’t even know where to find them. But when you’re with someone for three years, everything inevitably melts together. Days become months. Months become years. And before you know it, a whole lifetime has passed.

I never really knew where he ended and I began. I lived with his melancholy for so long, I mistook it for my own. The word “choice” wasn’t a part of our relationship. For two years, I listened to him berate me every week, and said nothing.

So, I built a wall with his words – steeped in a denial so thick, I couldn’t even see past it. But how else can you live with a lover who threatens to kill you? I couldn’t find a way out, so I found a way to survive.

Some people long to remember, but I long to forget. All I do is remember. I keep tracing the lines on this map over and over and over again, looking for answers.

Finding peace in the midst of chaos is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. It’s there, you just have to dig to find it.

cossssmic

I remember love the way some people remember storms. Darkness followed by light. Flashes of intuition that come and go like the wind, almost impossible to grasp. Always a low thunder simmering through the clouds – and then, nothing.

My romantic relationships seem to be as fickle as nature – hot and heavy one day, cold and distant the next. The men usually float in and out of my life like ghosts, so even after they leave, I go looking for closure by trying to untangle the roots that got me here in the first place.

These things weigh on me when I take a gamble and swipe through random pictures of strangers on the internet. I usually feel more frustrated than invigorated when I go on sites like Tinder and OkCupid – more hopeless, than hopeful.

You see, every man I’ve met online has never been entirely what they say they are. But, then again, I guess you could say the same thing for every man I’ve dated that I’ve met in person. It’s strange how the patterns of everyday human life get calculated into the algorithms on the web, acting as if they’ve been there all along. And at the end of each day, whether we realize it or not, we always have a choice. We either lose ourselves, or find a way to navigate the tides.